It’s a changing world for many people, and me. Today is the day that my baby was due, the date being particularly special, at the time, and now having a new meaning – ‘Dot’s due date’.
This morning I woke up with a sense of celebration, I knew today was going to be special, but I thought it would be sad and reminiscing what could have been was ‘going to be painful’ – but no. The experience of being a mum, even though it was so short, was too precious, too transformative and to huge to be anything but one of the best gifts of my life. Letting her be who she is feels so important, not wanting her to be anything else than an incredible gift that changed my life beyond belief, into a heavenly present experiencing life for what it is now. Her life is the shortest kind of life, and yet it matters, and letting go of the pain of losing her means I can celebrate her life in new ways, without negating the fact that her not being here in body still sometimes makes me so sad that I can’t breathe. It’s a kind of love that is a muddle, sometimes tiny, sometimes just glimmering in the background, sometimes really obvious and in front of my face, sometimes happy and sometimes sad. A real life kind of love. The secret of who she is daily manifests, my laugh is wider because of the experience of having her, how I meet people is more real and present, because of her. How I experience pain and let it wash over me, overwhelming and transforming and then receding like a wave, is more powerful and I am stronger, because of the way I had to engage with how devastating it was when she left my body.
What I know of shock in loss, is that it can take time to fade and change into something that is defrosting, rather than a frozen block of denial, and that is ok. What has been coming up lately is a sense of keeping an open heart in the face of loss, how painful that can be and how much courage and strength it can take to keep an open heart when everything is screaming to let it slam closed again to stop the pain from happening. So the next period of time is concentrated on ‘heart matters’ – and the elements of life that form a kind of scaffolding when my heart wants to collapse and freeze in the face of danger, or rejection, or angry abuse, or bad news. As I’m writing the rain is falling and it has turned to ice, large drops of frozen rain that are still falling, a good metaphor that it is ok to cry, even if the tears are frozen, they are still moving.